Not Belonging In Church

My friends scorn me; my eye pours out tears to God, (Job 16:20)

When we walk into church where we are familiar and attend regularly and don’t feel like we belong our spirit is crushed. We don’t understand why we feel out of place. Some may experience this weekly, and some may occasionally experience the sensation of not fitting in and have no apparent reason for it but feeling alone in church is more common than we are aware.

Many church members never show their feeling of aloneness believing that something is wrong with them since everyone else seems to be happy, laughing and talking. Human beings need to belong. We are not meant to be alone. We long to fit in and yet we often feel like outsiders among our Christian brothers and sisters.

What is this feeling that overcomes us and why do we experience it? Where could we belong more than at church with other who believe in the Almighty God?

For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves or free—and all were made to drink of one Spirit. (1 Corinthians 12:13)

This feeling of not belonging can attack us at any time. It is a profound loneliness while surrounded by people. We are not isolated in these feelings, though we may believe so. They make us question our worthiness and make us wonder if others see us as unattractive, not friendly, or stuck-up. The church is supposed to be a family but often doesn’t feel like one.

These feelings come because we are all different. We are of different age groups, some have jobs, some don’t, some have children, others travel, we have different interests and spend our weeks in a variety of activities. Some go to Sunday School and Bible Studies, some don’t. Some attend every church activity while others can’t. And we are all at different levels of maturity in our relationship with God.

And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, (Ephesians 4:11-12)

We are all unique individuals, and church members are no different. God set it up that way, giving each of us strengths and specific callings so that His work can be done more successfully. But we are all more comfortable with people who have the same interests and talents as we do. We have difficulty reaching out to those who are different.

When the Pastor appears to show preference to certain groups of people, this can also be off-putting and increase our feelings of not belonging to any group. It is the same feelings we had when we were younger and not allowed in a certain ‘click’.

In addition, when some members are shy or uncomfortable in large groups others may not seek them out. Some judge those around them as ‘having it all together’ and don’t approach them, thinking they don’t need a friend.

“He who withholds kindness from a friend forsakes the fear of the Almighty. (Job 6:14)

As church members, it is our responsibility to be aware of those outside our preferred groups and make conversation with them, taking a sincere interest in their lives. We often get wrapped up in our own lives and want to share them with others who are like-minded. We may walk past one member on the way to another to share a story or say hello.

It is something we must be mindful of, not only welcoming new members, but making sure all attendees feel they are part of the body even when we don’t think they need us to reach out. If we reach out to everyone, even those who we may think are not interested, we will find some who are very thankful for being sought out.

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace: (1 Peter 4:8-10)

If we are one who experiences the emotion of not belonging, we do not need to berate ourselves. If we feel that we do not fit in, there are things we can do. Some are not very worthwhile. We can hope it passes, we can pray, we can reach out, or we can fake a joyful attitude, but left alone, the emotions that make us feel unworthy of another’s interest can lead to depression. These feelings are unfounded. Pray that they will pass and instead, be the one who reaches out to others who may be standing alone.

That is, that we may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith, both yours and mine. (Romans 1:12)

Prayer: Father God, who loves us all the same and sees us all as very special, help us to see each other through your eyes. Give us your grace and generosity of spirit so that we are not so focused on ourselves and our own lives that we forget to look around at others. Keep us from making judgements based on how we perceive another’s actions. We don’t know what they are going through. We must always reach out to our brothers and sister in You. Thank you for making us aware of those who feel they don’t belong in our group. Amen.

My book Fresh Fruit Meditations on the Fruit of the Holy Spirit can be ordered from Amazon or Goodreads.com.  Also available at Chritian Bookstores or on Kindle.  Thank you. Jennifer Chamberlain